Part One: Moving away from Punishments

In my post about why we said yes to Television, I touched briefly on how my husband, Shawn, and I try and raise our three (soon to be four!) kids in a consensual environment. Several people had questions about what exactly it means, and how it leads to us handling different situations in our family. Over the next couple of weeks, I’ll address how living in this environment effects how we approach discipline, day-to-day living, and school.

Essentially, for our family, living in a consensual environment means that each member of our family’s wants and needs are equally considered, regardless of age. Our six year olds’ opinions and feelings about any particular issue are addressed just as my husband’s and mine are. It means we see it as our job as parents to teach and guide our children, not to punish or control them. I know this philosophy is hard for some people to imagine. It can be hard to let go of the “My house, my rules” mentality that many of us were raised with. But doing exactly that has led our family to a level of peace and contentment I didn’t think was possible to have.

After Connor, our oldest, was born, Shawn and I had lots of discussions about parenting/discipline philosophies. Both of us agreed that for our family, spanking was off the table. When Connor hit a fiercely independent and challenging phase at about three, we experimented with timeouts. If he threw a toy, we would put him on a chair for three minutes. Generally, he would scream and cry, which would elevate our frustration. Then, when the three minutes were up? He would get down from the chair, go back to playing, and inevitably end up throwing a toy again within minutes. At this point we decided that punishment of any kind left the important question of WHY unanswered. If Connor was throwing a toy because he was angry, it was beneficial to find out what had led to that feeling, and then talk to him about more appropriate ways to release his anger: hit a pillow, go in your room and scream, walk away from the situation, etc. This approach allowed us to address the reason for the behavior: Was he hungry or tired or bored or angry? And then help him find a solution, rather than punishing for the behavior. It seems so simplistic, but it has made a tremendous difference. As time has gone on, it has also helped Connor put into words why he is feeling or behaving in the way he is without fear of punishment.

As we began to let go of the idea that we had to be €œin control€ of him and his behavior, we found it was helpful to ask ourselves, €œHow would I respond to this situation if my spouse was behaving this way?€ If my husband had been working on a project, and left a mess all over the floor and I wanted it cleaned up€¦how would I handle it? I certainly wouldn’t yell at him to clean it up right now because I said to, and then threaten to send him to bed early, or take away his toys if he didn’t do it. My husband certainly deserves more respect than that, so why do we, as parents sometimes act as though our children do not?

We’re not perfect. Our children aren’t perfect. But moving away from a household ruled by authority, and moving towards an environment in which we treat our children with respect and equal consideration has led to a contented, peaceful household that I didn’t think was possible to have. If you would like more information, I highly recommend Alfie Kohn’s book, Beyond Discipline: From Compliance to Community, or Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves: Transforming Parent-child Relationships from Reaction And Struggle to Freedom, Power And Joy, by Naomi Aldort.

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