In my last post, I discussed how Shawn and I strive to move away from punishing our children, and instead, focus on treating them with the same respect we give one another.  Choosing to live by this philosophy has forced us to reexamine nearly every interaction we have with our children on a day to day basis.  Do we put limits on how much television they watch?  Do we censor their video or computer games? Do we monitor what they eat? Do we have a chore chart? Do we enforce a bedtime?

In short, for us, the answer is no.  We don’t really do any of those things. Let me explain why. One thing we discovered is that it’s not really possible to control what any other person does, including your children.  You may be able to control the way they behave in front of you, but you cannot control their actions, thoughts, behaviors when you aren’t around.  I’d rather focus on supporting them as they learn to navigate within their own comfort zones, rather than forcing them to live within mine.

€œBut you need to be the parents,€ is a phrase Shawn and I have heard many times.  Living consensually doesn’t mean my children are allowed to do anything they want to, regardless of the consequences.  But it does mean that we try and extend them the same trust and respect as individuals that we extend to each other.  Just as I couldn’t imagine telling Shawn what he could or could not eat, or when he had played his video game long enough, I couldn’t imagine forcing my children to eat or not eat or stay awake or go to sleep when I wanted them too.  So, Connor has the freedom to choose how he spends his day.  He chooses what he when he wants to eat, how he spends his free time, how much television/video gaming he does, when he goes to bed, etc.

I realize that many people find this hard to understand.  Let me try and explain.  Let’s take eating as an example: An infant will cry when they are hungry, and as the parent, we feed them.   It doesn’t matter if it’s four o’clock in the morning; we feed them.  As the infant gets older, we expect it to conform to a three-meals-a-day schedule, perhaps with some small snacks in between.  But what if our child is hungry two hours before dinner?  How many times have you heard the phrase, €œWait until dinner, if you eat now, you’ll spoil your appetite?€

Isn’t the reality, if the child eats when they are hungry, they will satiate their appetite?  Why did we stop trusting our children to eat when they’re hungry?  Shawn and I also try and avoid forcing our children to eat what we think they should eat.  We have tried to stress to them that food is used to fuel our body, and we have had lots of discussions about which foods provide good fuel for our bodies, and which foods might taste good, but not provide as good of a fuel for our bodies.  As a result, my children don’t eat for comfort, and they don’t overeat, because they don’t view any food as being off-limits.  They’re able to follow their bodies’ cues and eat what they want, when they want.  Knowing that cookies or ice cream is available when they want it, makes it less of a temptation for them to overeat those foods, because they know they’re available when they want them.

We follow the same guidelines with sleep.  We trust them to follow their bodies’ cues and sleep when they’re tired.  Now, I will fully admit that Connor is one of those children who get more wound up the later it gets.  Ten o’clock is pretty much his breaking point.  After several weeks of him staying up until one in the morning and then waking up at seven and being cranky and tired all day long, we sat down and talked to him about it.  He knew he was overly tired, but enjoyed having time to play Xbox uninterrupted at night after his two younger siblings were asleep.  So we worked out a compromise: He can have full access to the Xbox while the babies are asleep and can’t bother him. And, in turn, he would get to bed earlier every night so he could be well rested the next day.  We’ve been doing this for about four months, and he is in bed between nine and ten o’clock every night, and his mood has improved GREATLY.

So living consensually doesn’t mean that we don’t parent our children.  It means that we focus on parenting them from a place of respect and trust.  It means we strive to have a peaceful, joyful home. It means we focus on letting our children be who they are, and not on trying to shape them into who we expect them to be.

Part One: Moving away from Punishments

In my post about why we said yes to Television, I touched briefly on how my husband, Shawn, and I try and raise our three (soon to be four!) kids in a consensual environment. Several people had questions about what exactly it means, and how it leads to us handling different situations in our family. Over the next couple of weeks, I’ll address how living in this environment effects how we approach discipline, day-to-day living, and school.

Essentially, for our family, living in a consensual environment means that each member of our family’s wants and needs are equally considered, regardless of age. Our six year olds’ opinions and feelings about any particular issue are addressed just as my husband’s and mine are. It means we see it as our job as parents to teach and guide our children, not to punish or control them. I know this philosophy is hard for some people to imagine. It can be hard to let go of the “My house, my rules” mentality that many of us were raised with. But doing exactly that has led our family to a level of peace and contentment I didn’t think was possible to have.

After Connor, our oldest, was born, Shawn and I had lots of discussions about parenting/discipline philosophies. Both of us agreed that for our family, spanking was off the table. When Connor hit a fiercely independent and challenging phase at about three, we experimented with timeouts. If he threw a toy, we would put him on a chair for three minutes. Generally, he would scream and cry, which would elevate our frustration. Then, when the three minutes were up? He would get down from the chair, go back to playing, and inevitably end up throwing a toy again within minutes. At this point we decided that punishment of any kind left the important question of WHY unanswered. If Connor was throwing a toy because he was angry, it was beneficial to find out what had led to that feeling, and then talk to him about more appropriate ways to release his anger: hit a pillow, go in your room and scream, walk away from the situation, etc. This approach allowed us to address the reason for the behavior: Was he hungry or tired or bored or angry? And then help him find a solution, rather than punishing for the behavior. It seems so simplistic, but it has made a tremendous difference. As time has gone on, it has also helped Connor put into words why he is feeling or behaving in the way he is without fear of punishment.

As we began to let go of the idea that we had to be €œin control€ of him and his behavior, we found it was helpful to ask ourselves, €œHow would I respond to this situation if my spouse was behaving this way?€ If my husband had been working on a project, and left a mess all over the floor and I wanted it cleaned up€¦how would I handle it? I certainly wouldn’t yell at him to clean it up right now because I said to, and then threaten to send him to bed early, or take away his toys if he didn’t do it. My husband certainly deserves more respect than that, so why do we, as parents sometimes act as though our children do not?

We’re not perfect. Our children aren’t perfect. But moving away from a household ruled by authority, and moving towards an environment in which we treat our children with respect and equal consideration has led to a contented, peaceful household that I didn’t think was possible to have. If you would like more information, I highly recommend Alfie Kohn’s book, Beyond Discipline: From Compliance to Community, or Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves: Transforming Parent-child Relationships from Reaction And Struggle to Freedom, Power And Joy, by Naomi Aldort.

Related articles by Zemanta

• Can I Move Beyond Bribes and Threats? (svmoms.com)
• Wild Things: The Art of Nurturing Boys (Book Review) (susanheim.blogspot.com)

[Section taken from the book  "The Sharp Knife of Forced Simplicity, Volume 1: The Numinous Rebellion"]

I am utterly unconcerned with the way things are.

Now, if a car is coming at me, I’m going to jump out of the way. If I’m low on money and the bills need to be paid, I find a source of reliable income. I’m not an idiot–I live and work in the world like everyone else… but I don’t let it get to me. Read the full story

[Section taken from the book  "The Sharp Knife of Forced Simplicity, Volume 1: The Numinous Rebellion"]

Everything we have is thanks to those who have come before us. Our fruits are large and tasty, our society is long-lived and powerful, our knowledge of Creation is outstanding. We touch the bottom of the ocean and other worlds. We are the beneficiaries of thousands upon thousands of years of human effort.

All this effort was for us. Perhaps a man took to selectively breeding vegetables so that he may have better food for himself at first… but when he has a family, their well-being moves to the forefront of his mind. Inside this loving desire to provide for one’s immediate family comes the knowledge that his efforts will improve the lives of his son’s sons… far on down the channels of the future. With every generation thinking like this, humanity rises quickly from lack to overabundance. Read the full story

Along with topics like breast vs. bottle, circumcised vs. intact, vaccinate vs. non-vaccinate; I’ve found that  tv-free vs. t.v.-viewing is one of those “hot parenting topics” that ignites a lot of emotion and debate on both sides of the issue.  It’s not an issue I feel incredibly impassioned about, but in light of the television discussions going on here on the blog recently, I thought I’d share our perspective. Read the full story

A couple weeks ago I had a doozie of a Fairfield moment when I went for an interview at the Waldorf pre-school my son will be attending in the fall. I had talked with other Waldorf parents beforehand and knew pretty much what to expect: a lovely teacher; beautiful grounds with a garden the children help tend and bunnies to play with; a schoolroom that features natural materials, no TVs or computers or plastic toys to be found. Read the full story