Did you see us on last night’s episode of the Iowa Journal on PBS? If you didn’t have a chance to see it, you can go here to watch the full episode. Before I go any further, I just want to thank Paul Yeager for his time, and for helping shed light on our story.

Yesterday was a fairly big day for us. Along with our episode of Iowa Journal airing, Shawn also got back his Student Aid Report from FAFSA, and we found out he is getting a pretty sizable Pell Grant! AND?? He’s getting a scholarship! We’re not exactly sure of the details, but between WIA, the scholarship, and the Pell Grant, not only will school not cost us a penny, but we should have enough money left over to help cover some of our living expenses!!

Plus?? I did our taxes, and we should get back a pretty decent refund…twice. It turns out, in order to claim a child as your dependent, the IRS insists you have a social security number for them! And, sense we had Ella at home rather than at a hospital, we are responsible for filling out all that paperwork…and well, we haven’t done that yet! We’re so behind, we still haven’t sent in her birth certificate paperwork! So, we’re going to file taxes twice; once now, and then we’ll file an amendment once we have her social security number in. Which means TWO refunds! Thank you Uncle Sam!

It’s strange, but it feels like we’re more financially stable since Shawn lost his job, than we were before. I think it’s because we’re on SUCH a tight budget that there is just no money to waste on things we don’t need. It’s made us painfully aware of how much money we COULD have saved when we had a steady paycheck coming in. Now, we’re in a situation where the moment a paycheck comes in, it gets divided up between the bills that we have due. I’ve made a weekly budget and we have stuck to it religiously. Bills are getting paid in a more timely manner now than they were when we had a job.

I’m feeling really hopeful about where the next year-and-a-half is going to take us. Shawn is going to get another degree, and from the looks of things, he’s going to come out of college without a single student loan. Our tax return should be enough to pay off our car, which would mean we’d break even every month, rather than being in the red by a few hundred dollars. That would be fantastic! Clearly, our definition of success has had to evolve. Over the next year-and-a-half, if we can pay our bills and put food on the table, and get Shawn through school, I will feel like we have been successful. And so far, I think we’re on the right track.

Carl Larsson Christmas Morning 1894

Every Christmas morning when I was child, my mother would make this sausage and egg casserole for breakfast. She’d mix it up the night before and put it in the oven as soon as we woke up.  It would bake while my three brothers and I would tear through our mountain of gifts, and then we’d all sit down together to our traditional Christmas breakfast.

Now that my husband and I have four children of our own, we’re trying to create traditions for our family.  But we’re finding it’s much more difficult than we thought it would be.  It’s hard to find something that everyone wants to put in the effort to do every year!  For a couple of years in a row I made cinnamon rolls from scratch to have for breakfast Christmas morning.  I spent two Christmases in a row being nine months pregnant, and the last thing I felt like doing was slaving away in the kitchen; so we started buying those pre-made cinnamon rolls that come in a tube, and making those. And while it was fine . . . pastries from a tube for breakfast wasn’t exactly what I was hoping to create as a lasting Christmas memory for my children!

So far, the only tradition we have is that every year I make each of the kids a new blanket as a gift. So this year, I’m making it my own personal mission to implement a few holiday traditions. My plan is to try out several new things, and see which ones stick!

Winter Solstice falls on Monday December 21st, and we’re going to celebrate it for the first time as a family this year.  For our family, Solstice will mark the beginning of the holiday season celebration. We plan on talking to the kids about Solstice; what it is, why it’s celebrated, etc. We’ll have candles lit around the house all day, and Monday night we’ll have a “Soup and Solstice” feast.  After dinner, we’re going to get the kids in their pajamas and drive around looking at Christmas lights. When we get home, we’ll finish off the night with hot chocolate and cider before the kids go to bed.  As they get older, we’ll be able to incorporate more traditions into our Solstice celebration.

Christmas Eve, we plan on spending the day baking cookies and treats for Christmas day.  That night, we’re going to give the kids their first present; a new pair of pajamas.  We’re going to pop some popcorn and watch a movie, and then we’ll read the kids a few Christmas themed stories before bedtime.

On Christmas morning we’re planning on opening presents in the morning, and then having a nice brunch; waffles, bacon, a fruit tray, etc.  I know the kids will spend part of the day playing with their new toys, and at some point we’ll probably watch a movie if one of them gets a new DVD, and that evening we’ll have another big meal.  But I’d really like to find some new traditions to incorporate.  It feels like there’s a big build up to Christmas, all month long. But after fifteen minutes of shredding wrapping paper; the rest of the day sort of fizzles out and becomes just like any other day.

So what does your family do?  Do you have some long-standing traditions? I’d love to hear how you celebrate the holiday season.

District 90 will be holding a special election on September 1st to replace Democratic State Representative John Whitaker, who was appointed executive state director of Farm Service Agency by the Obama Administration.  District 90, which includes all of Van Buren County and parts of Wapello and Jefferson counties, including Fairfield, will have a choice between Republican Stephen Burgmeier and Democrat Curt Hanson. Continue Reading

In my last post, I discussed how Shawn and I strive to move away from punishing our children, and instead, focus on treating them with the same respect we give one another.  Choosing to live by this philosophy has forced us to reexamine nearly every interaction we have with our children on a day to day basis.  Do we put limits on how much television they watch?  Do we censor their video or computer games? Do we monitor what they eat? Do we have a chore chart? Do we enforce a bedtime?

In short, for us, the answer is no.  We don’t really do any of those things. Let me explain why. One thing we discovered is that it’s not really possible to control what any other person does, including your children.  You may be able to control the way they behave in front of you, but you cannot control their actions, thoughts, behaviors when you aren’t around.  I’d rather focus on supporting them as they learn to navigate within their own comfort zones, rather than forcing them to live within mine.

€œBut you need to be the parents,€ is a phrase Shawn and I have heard many times.  Living consensually doesn’t mean my children are allowed to do anything they want to, regardless of the consequences.  But it does mean that we try and extend them the same trust and respect as individuals that we extend to each other.  Just as I couldn’t imagine telling Shawn what he could or could not eat, or when he had played his video game long enough, I couldn’t imagine forcing my children to eat or not eat or stay awake or go to sleep when I wanted them too.  So, Connor has the freedom to choose how he spends his day.  He chooses what he when he wants to eat, how he spends his free time, how much television/video gaming he does, when he goes to bed, etc.

I realize that many people find this hard to understand.  Let me try and explain.  Let’s take eating as an example: An infant will cry when they are hungry, and as the parent, we feed them.   It doesn’t matter if it’s four o’clock in the morning; we feed them.  As the infant gets older, we expect it to conform to a three-meals-a-day schedule, perhaps with some small snacks in between.  But what if our child is hungry two hours before dinner?  How many times have you heard the phrase, €œWait until dinner, if you eat now, you’ll spoil your appetite?€

Isn’t the reality, if the child eats when they are hungry, they will satiate their appetite?  Why did we stop trusting our children to eat when they’re hungry?  Shawn and I also try and avoid forcing our children to eat what we think they should eat.  We have tried to stress to them that food is used to fuel our body, and we have had lots of discussions about which foods provide good fuel for our bodies, and which foods might taste good, but not provide as good of a fuel for our bodies.  As a result, my children don’t eat for comfort, and they don’t overeat, because they don’t view any food as being off-limits.  They’re able to follow their bodies’ cues and eat what they want, when they want.  Knowing that cookies or ice cream is available when they want it, makes it less of a temptation for them to overeat those foods, because they know they’re available when they want them.

We follow the same guidelines with sleep.  We trust them to follow their bodies’ cues and sleep when they’re tired.  Now, I will fully admit that Connor is one of those children who get more wound up the later it gets.  Ten o’clock is pretty much his breaking point.  After several weeks of him staying up until one in the morning and then waking up at seven and being cranky and tired all day long, we sat down and talked to him about it.  He knew he was overly tired, but enjoyed having time to play Xbox uninterrupted at night after his two younger siblings were asleep.  So we worked out a compromise: He can have full access to the Xbox while the babies are asleep and can’t bother him. And, in turn, he would get to bed earlier every night so he could be well rested the next day.  We’ve been doing this for about four months, and he is in bed between nine and ten o’clock every night, and his mood has improved GREATLY.

So living consensually doesn’t mean that we don’t parent our children.  It means that we focus on parenting them from a place of respect and trust.  It means we strive to have a peaceful, joyful home. It means we focus on letting our children be who they are, and not on trying to shape them into who we expect them to be.

Part One: Moving away from Punishments

In my post about why we said yes to Television, I touched briefly on how my husband, Shawn, and I try and raise our three (soon to be four!) kids in a consensual environment. Several people had questions about what exactly it means, and how it leads to us handling different situations in our family. Over the next couple of weeks, I’ll address how living in this environment effects how we approach discipline, day-to-day living, and school.

Essentially, for our family, living in a consensual environment means that each member of our family’s wants and needs are equally considered, regardless of age. Our six year olds’ opinions and feelings about any particular issue are addressed just as my husband’s and mine are. It means we see it as our job as parents to teach and guide our children, not to punish or control them. I know this philosophy is hard for some people to imagine. It can be hard to let go of the “My house, my rules” mentality that many of us were raised with. But doing exactly that has led our family to a level of peace and contentment I didn’t think was possible to have.

After Connor, our oldest, was born, Shawn and I had lots of discussions about parenting/discipline philosophies. Both of us agreed that for our family, spanking was off the table. When Connor hit a fiercely independent and challenging phase at about three, we experimented with timeouts. If he threw a toy, we would put him on a chair for three minutes. Generally, he would scream and cry, which would elevate our frustration. Then, when the three minutes were up? He would get down from the chair, go back to playing, and inevitably end up throwing a toy again within minutes. At this point we decided that punishment of any kind left the important question of WHY unanswered. If Connor was throwing a toy because he was angry, it was beneficial to find out what had led to that feeling, and then talk to him about more appropriate ways to release his anger: hit a pillow, go in your room and scream, walk away from the situation, etc. This approach allowed us to address the reason for the behavior: Was he hungry or tired or bored or angry? And then help him find a solution, rather than punishing for the behavior. It seems so simplistic, but it has made a tremendous difference. As time has gone on, it has also helped Connor put into words why he is feeling or behaving in the way he is without fear of punishment.

As we began to let go of the idea that we had to be €œin control€ of him and his behavior, we found it was helpful to ask ourselves, €œHow would I respond to this situation if my spouse was behaving this way?€ If my husband had been working on a project, and left a mess all over the floor and I wanted it cleaned up€¦how would I handle it? I certainly wouldn’t yell at him to clean it up right now because I said to, and then threaten to send him to bed early, or take away his toys if he didn’t do it. My husband certainly deserves more respect than that, so why do we, as parents sometimes act as though our children do not?

We’re not perfect. Our children aren’t perfect. But moving away from a household ruled by authority, and moving towards an environment in which we treat our children with respect and equal consideration has led to a contented, peaceful household that I didn’t think was possible to have. If you would like more information, I highly recommend Alfie Kohn’s book, Beyond Discipline: From Compliance to Community, or Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves: Transforming Parent-child Relationships from Reaction And Struggle to Freedom, Power And Joy, by Naomi Aldort.

Related articles by Zemanta

• Can I Move Beyond Bribes and Threats? (svmoms.com)
• Wild Things: The Art of Nurturing Boys (Book Review) (susanheim.blogspot.com)

I have a confession to make….

We have lived in Fairfield for 18 months, and I have never tried Radiance Dairy Ice Cream.  We are within walking-distance of Everybody’s and are in there constantly.  We toured Radiance Dairy last fall, and love their milk and cheese.  But despite seeing the mango ice cream swirling in that machine, every time we checked out at Everybody’s, we’ve never gotten around to buying any.  We stopped in after Art Walk a couple of weeks ago, but the mango was all out.  I told my husband we had to try some this summer!  Our friends all rave about it, and I wanted to see what all the fuss was about!

So Tuesday evening, the third massive storm of the week blew through and it rocked my nerves pretty good.  I grew up in Iowa so you’d think I’d be a little more brave when the sky suddenly turns black in the middle of the day….but I am a complete and total girl.  I hate storms, and the only reason I don’t melt into a puddle of terrified tears is because I don’t want to freak out my kids!  (I save those moments for when storms hit in the middle of the night!)

But just because I put on a happy face for them, doesn’t mean I’m not completely losing it on the inside! I was a massive anxiety-case all evening!  And it didn’t help that when I stepped outside to check for tornadoes take pictures of the rain, this jumped out right in front of me on our porch:

I made the mistake of telling Shawn, who thinks he’s Jeff Corwin, and he had to go and catch the freaky little frog/toad/gross amphibian and BRING IT IN THE HOUSE….and THEN???  HE LET THE CHILDREN TOUCH IT!!   Because clearly, I was not already a complete ball of nerves from the storm, and because apparently his goal in life is to make the vein in my forehead explode!  Between the storm and the toad-touching, all three kids were riled up and I was a complete anxiety case!

Anyway, finally, an hour after their original bedtime, the storm had passed and we got two hyped-up babies into bed. By this point, I was in need of a little pick-me-up.  And it just so happened that we were out of milk, so Shawn had to go to Everybody’s anyway.  It seemed like a good night to try a little Radiance Dairy mango ice cream.

Shawn brought home a cup of it for us to share, and oh.my.god.  It was amazing!  I have a total weakness for soft serve ice cream anyway, but no place in town that we had tried so far had been as good as I was hoping for.  But the Radiance Dairy mango soft serve was fantastic!  The mango flavor was subtle enough that it wasn’t over-whelming or bitter in the way too much mango can be sometimes.  It was exactly what I was hoping for.

I shouldn’t be surprised.  Radiance Dairy milk and yogurt are amazing, and their cheese is to die for.  But the ice cream satisfied a sweet-tooth that this pregnant girl was in desperate need of after an anxiety-ridden night.