In my last post, I discussed how Shawn and I strive to move away from punishing our children, and instead, focus on treating them with the same respect we give one another. Choosing to live by this philosophy has forced us to reexamine nearly every interaction we have with our children on a day to day basis. Do we put limits on how much television they watch? Do we censor their video or computer games? Do we monitor what they eat? Do we have a chore chart? Do we enforce a bedtime?
In short, for us, the answer is no. We don’t really do any of those things. Let me explain why. One thing we discovered is that it’s not really possible to control what any other person does, including your children. You may be able to control the way they behave in front of you, but you cannot control their actions, thoughts, behaviors when you aren’t around. I’d rather focus on supporting them as they learn to navigate within their own comfort zones, rather than forcing them to live within mine.
€œBut you need to be the parents,€ is a phrase Shawn and I have heard many times. Living consensually doesn’t mean my children are allowed to do anything they want to, regardless of the consequences. But it does mean that we try and extend them the same trust and respect as individuals that we extend to each other. Just as I couldn’t imagine telling Shawn what he could or could not eat, or when he had played his video game long enough, I couldn’t imagine forcing my children to eat or not eat or stay awake or go to sleep when I wanted them too. So, Connor has the freedom to choose how he spends his day. He chooses what he when he wants to eat, how he spends his free time, how much television/video gaming he does, when he goes to bed, etc.
I realize that many people find this hard to understand. Let me try and explain. Let’s take eating as an example: An infant will cry when they are hungry, and as the parent, we feed them. It doesn’t matter if it’s four o’clock in the morning; we feed them. As the infant gets older, we expect it to conform to a three-meals-a-day schedule, perhaps with some small snacks in between. But what if our child is hungry two hours before dinner? How many times have you heard the phrase, €œWait until dinner, if you eat now, you’ll spoil your appetite?€
Isn’t the reality, if the child eats when they are hungry, they will satiate their appetite? Why did we stop trusting our children to eat when they’re hungry? Shawn and I also try and avoid forcing our children to eat what we think they should eat. We have tried to stress to them that food is used to fuel our body, and we have had lots of discussions about which foods provide good fuel for our bodies, and which foods might taste good, but not provide as good of a fuel for our bodies. As a result, my children don’t eat for comfort, and they don’t overeat, because they don’t view any food as being off-limits. They’re able to follow their bodies’ cues and eat what they want, when they want. Knowing that cookies or ice cream is available when they want it, makes it less of a temptation for them to overeat those foods, because they know they’re available when they want them.
We follow the same guidelines with sleep. We trust them to follow their bodies’ cues and sleep when they’re tired. Now, I will fully admit that Connor is one of those children who get more wound up the later it gets. Ten o’clock is pretty much his breaking point. After several weeks of him staying up until one in the morning and then waking up at seven and being cranky and tired all day long, we sat down and talked to him about it. He knew he was overly tired, but enjoyed having time to play Xbox uninterrupted at night after his two younger siblings were asleep. So we worked out a compromise: He can have full access to the Xbox while the babies are asleep and can’t bother him. And, in turn, he would get to bed earlier every night so he could be well rested the next day. We’ve been doing this for about four months, and he is in bed between nine and ten o’clock every night, and his mood has improved GREATLY.
So living consensually doesn’t mean that we don’t parent our children. It means that we focus on parenting them from a place of respect and trust. It means we strive to have a peaceful, joyful home. It means we focus on letting our children be who they are, and not on trying to shape them into who we expect them to be.
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I've always wondered about the development of rationality in children – as a product of intelligence. You obviously wouldn't trust a toddler to do these things, because a baby is simply not intelligent enough to understand "process." Would you say that the ability to logically and rationally see cause-and-effect arises around the same time as, say, strong personal desires (the desire to play xbox, for example)?
One lesson I learned a very hard way was quoted well by a friend of mine: "Don't mistake intelligence for maturity." Particularly in teenagers, the "intelligent" ones are just as likely to do dumb, irrational, hormonally-provoked actions as any other teen – despite being able to better rationally understand and explain the reasons against doing those actions. And maturity, while not always based on age, does seem to go hand-in-hand with life experience. Without the life-experience, how can you trust a child to make mature, not simply intelligent, decisions for his or her life?
I guess that's two questions there, one on the development of intelligence, and one on the development of maturity in children.
Very interesting parenting style. A lot of what you say makes sense. I can understand how this system works in your own home where the environment is somewhat controlled and everyone has the same philosophy. What happens when your children are in an environment other than their own? (i.e. visiting a friend, school, etc.) How do they interact with others as far as general courtesy or putting others needs before their own? Is this ever an issue?
I think kids need a parent to make decisions for them. It helps them to feel secure and safe in life.
My children are being raised very like this. They make most of their own decisions and because they've been practicing making decisions on their own – they're really good at it. Like you and me they don't want to suffer and so they want to make good choices. They do consult adults (mostly their parents) for good advice and actually listen to it because they know they own the decision and the consequences.
The truth is you can only really control kids when they are very little – and thats the best time to instead help them become really good deciders – you learn to choose by making choices. Some will be mistakes – those will be memorable learning experiences.
My kids are capable, polite, and very assured. They seem pretty much to strangers like kids that are raised in a more controlled environment – except that they don't mindlessly obey adults and they don't mindlessly rebel with their peers. I hope they retain both those qualities all their lives.
I don't understand how children can control themselves better than most Americans. I think most people, presented with unlimited ice cream, cookies, movies, a computer, and no penalties for failing to show up for school or work would find it extremely difficult to pry themselves off the couch.
"I am certainly not an expert on the specifics of child development!"
But I hope you have availed yourself of some information about child development? Because at some points, it's overly optimistic to expect kids to be making wise choices or learn from the results of their choices – the brain development simply does not exist yet. In fact recent studies – and not just MUM studies – suggest that full reasoning brain development is not established in human physiology until the mid-20's.
I agree with Ron: "The main point seems to just be giving a degree of respect to the children that is otherwise lacking in the stereotypical American parenting standards." I was raised in an authoritarian household. My daughter is being raised quite differently, but there have always been age–appropriate boundaries which are "enforced" with loving reasoning.
Bottom line is each family does what works best for them, and I'm delighted that your children seem to respond well to your thinking.
I am certainly not an expert on the specifics of child development! But I can tell you what I’ve observed in my own kids. I would say that no…rationality does not develop at the same time as strong personal desire. My two year old, for example, is in love with trains. We live close enough to the train tracks that you can see the train go by from the street in front of our house. She will occasionally have a strong desire to run out into the street to watch the train go by, but clearly, she lacks the foresight to see what the consequences of that action could be. That would be where parenting comes in! As her parents, we’re aware that she has this desire, and that her desire is unsafe, so our job in that instance is to find a way for her to be able to safely see the train go by (watch from the safety of the sidewalk, etc).
As far as maturity-based decisions…I don’t think we expect our kids to make “mature” decisions for their lives. After all, we’re talking about bedtimes and what to have for lunch here, not picking a career path or deciding on a religion! Before they’re able to express their wishes/feelings/etc. what we strive to do is follow the cues they give us to figure out what it is they are needing or wanting at any given time. For example, if we put my eighteen month old to bed, and he cries after we leave the room, we would go back and get him. He’s not verbal yet, but his cry tells us he needs something: maybe he’s hungry, or has a belly ache, or isn’t tired yet. We don’t just leave him there to cry until he gives up and falls asleep; we pick him up and meet whatever need it is he has, even if that need is simply just to be with us. At the same time, if I have naptime planned for 1:00 in the afternoon, but he’s showing cues of being tired (rubbing his eyes, sucking his thumb, etc) at 11:30, I would put him to bed then.
So, no, my child doesn’t have the same life experience that you or I do. But I don’t feel that a lack of life experience exempts one from being treated with the same respect I would treat a fellow adult with. I respect that my children have needs and wants, and just because they are children doesn’t mean those needs and wants aren’t relevant.
Of course it’s an issue sometimes! They’re children, not perfectly-programmed robots! I think the important thing is being aware of what they are developmentally capable of. My two year old daughter doesn’t understand the concept of sharing yet….so, no…when her brother wants something she has; of course she doesn’t put his wants above her own! (Although, I know a lot of adults who still aren’t great at this skill!)
As far as being in places other than our home, we try to have a conversation ahead of time so they are aware of what will be happening. For example, if we’re going to the supermarket on a Saturday afternoon, we make sure they know that there will be lots of people and it will be important for them to walk closely to us so they don’t get hurt by another shopper who may not see them. We try to let them know if we’re getting a lot of stuff, or just a few things so they’ll have an idea of how long we’ll be. We try to keep them involved while we’re shopping and stay as attentive of their needs as we would in any other place.
I think there’s a big misconception that if you’re not making all the decisions for your child, then somehow you aren’t involved with them, and they’re being left to fend for themselves. I agree with you completely…you learn to make choices by making them! And what better place to learn than as a child, surrounded by people who love and support you? I would rather they learn to make responsible choices at this stage, when the choices in their lives are “simple:” what to eat, when to go to bed, how to spend their time; Rather than making all the choices for them, with the idea of waiting until they have more “life experience” to make choices. By that point, the choices they will be confronted with could be more dangerous or impactful, and I would worry that they'd had no experience making decisions on their own, but instead had spent their lives memorizing other people’s good decisions.
Why do these parenting conversations gravitate to black and white perspectives? I assume Jen is not saying that she let's her children make all their own decisions, and I assume the other side of the coin is not saying that parents should make ALL decisions for their children. To me both ends represent unhealthy extremes. There's obviously (to me) a balance between decisions you make for a 5yr old, and decisions you let them make.
My problem is that I simply don't see the need for a label. "Consensual Parenting," from what I gather, is more or less like every other form of parenting out there – it's basically a free-for-all, based on what each set of parents do in any given situation.
The main point seems to just be giving a degree of respect to the children that is otherwise lacking in the stereotypical American parenting standards.
Well, it’s easy to say, “I don’t like labels,” but let’s be honest. Labels are EVERYWHERE: Liberal, Conservative, Vegetarian, Christian, Buddhist, Atheist, Meditator, etc. It’s how we find like-minded people who share our same philosophies.
If you browse the Parenting section of Barnes and Nobel, you can see that there are dozens of different parenting styles. If I’m looking for parenting advice or help, I’m going to search out someone who has similar philosophies, thus where labeling becomes helpful. Because of the way I define my parenting style, I’m probably going to search out a book by Dr. Sears, whose philosophies are more in line with mine, as opposed to say Michael Pearl, who advocates spanking and training your children to be submissive, because he is not in line with my parenting philosophy.
I think labels become detrimental when they’re applied as a sweeping generalization of a person. If used that way, they can be dismissive of a person’s multi-faceted complexity, and pigeon-hole said person to being nothing more than whatever label has been applied. But, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with labeling yourself or your philosophies in order to search out like-minded people for advice or comradery.
Well, touche. That's a good point.