Part One: Moving away from Punishments
In my post about why we said yes to Television, I touched briefly on how my husband, Shawn, and I try and raise our three (soon to be four!) kids in a consensual environment. Several people had questions about what exactly it means, and how it leads to us handling different situations in our family. Over the next couple of weeks, I’ll address how living in this environment effects how we approach discipline, day-to-day living, and school.
Essentially, for our family, living in a consensual environment means that each member of our family’s wants and needs are equally considered, regardless of age. Our six year olds’ opinions and feelings about any particular issue are addressed just as my husband’s and mine are. It means we see it as our job as parents to teach and guide our children, not to punish or control them. I know this philosophy is hard for some people to imagine. It can be hard to let go of the “My house, my rules” mentality that many of us were raised with. But doing exactly that has led our family to a level of peace and contentment I didn’t think was possible to have.
After Connor, our oldest, was born, Shawn and I had lots of discussions about parenting/discipline philosophies. Both of us agreed that for our family, spanking was off the table. When Connor hit a fiercely independent and challenging phase at about three, we experimented with timeouts. If he threw a toy, we would put him on a chair for three minutes. Generally, he would scream and cry, which would elevate our frustration. Then, when the three minutes were up? He would get down from the chair, go back to playing, and inevitably end up throwing a toy again within minutes. At this point we decided that punishment of any kind left the important question of WHY unanswered. If Connor was throwing a toy because he was angry, it was beneficial to find out what had led to that feeling, and then talk to him about more appropriate ways to release his anger: hit a pillow, go in your room and scream, walk away from the situation, etc. This approach allowed us to address the reason for the behavior: Was he hungry or tired or bored or angry? And then help him find a solution, rather than punishing for the behavior. It seems so simplistic, but it has made a tremendous difference. As time has gone on, it has also helped Connor put into words why he is feeling or behaving in the way he is without fear of punishment.
As we began to let go of the idea that we had to be €œin control€ of him and his behavior, we found it was helpful to ask ourselves, €œHow would I respond to this situation if my spouse was behaving this way?€ If my husband had been working on a project, and left a mess all over the floor and I wanted it cleaned up€¦how would I handle it? I certainly wouldn’t yell at him to clean it up right now because I said to, and then threaten to send him to bed early, or take away his toys if he didn’t do it. My husband certainly deserves more respect than that, so why do we, as parents sometimes act as though our children do not?
We’re not perfect. Our children aren’t perfect. But moving away from a household ruled by authority, and moving towards an environment in which we treat our children with respect and equal consideration has led to a contented, peaceful household that I didn’t think was possible to have. If you would like more information, I highly recommend Alfie Kohn’s book, Beyond Discipline: From Compliance to Community
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That style appeals to me — encouraging your child to identify why he's feeling a certain way and more constructive ways of dealing with his feelings. I *try* to do the same. Short-term it can be easier to just get mad and discipline your child instead of stopping to talk and listen and guide, but long-term it's better if they understand their feelings and can deal with them in a healthy manner. It will hopefully lead to healthier choices in the future when you're not around to guide them, and fewer therapy bills when they're adults!
I commend you for the work and thought and reading you've done around the way you choose to parent. I look forward to reading the rest of your posts on this topic.
My wife told me a long time ago that children are just small adults. I found it hard to digest this at the time (over a decade ago) but as I've had the opportunity to interact with children over the last decade I must say that this is very largely the case. Treat children like adults who need a bit more guidance and you get wonders. It's also wonderfully taxing
But ultimately I've found that I learn a lot about myself in my interaction with children. And I hope that my general interpersonal skills also improve (this is yet to be determined tho'). Anyway, it's an amazing endeavor you've embarked on.
BTW, both Connor and your younger son (whose name I cannot remember now even though I just met him!) are amazingly curious and have great interpersonal skills. I was quite impressed with them in the 15 minutes I got to meet them. I believe that's a testament to your parenting!
As a Taoist, I'm never really for defined structures and philosophies. Is raising children so contrary to nature that you need to follow set rules and guidelines? Can't it be a more organic process, with every action being the natural result of other actions?
It seems like these philosophies are more to keep you from doing the things your parents did. By that I mean, the problem lies with patterns picked up from watching your own parents – things you see as wrong. It has almost nothing to do with the children themselves, it's about how you feel and see yourself as a parent.
On the other hand, I'm always a fan of deeply analyzing things. Giving respect when it is due makes vastly more sense than the more typical child/parent power struggle you tend to see in the media.
Anyone that spends time with children will encounter a moment when they realize – hey, I under-estimated this little kid, she/he's smarter than I thought. It's important to recognize that children are more capable than they get credit for, but they are not small adults. That, taken literally, is incorrect (and I don't think you mean it literally since you recognize they need guidance/parenting).
You're right about what they teach. I've learned more about myself from my daughter than I have in the 35 years before my daughter. That's been one of the gifts of having a child – they are more valuable than any self help book on the market
Regarding "Moving Away From Punishments", I'm not convinced this is a one size fits all way of parenting. One of the things my parents did right was balance reward and punishment in a manner that I believe built my ability to recognize and learn from mistakes, and build character upon failure and success.
There's a difference between "My house my rules" and "structure". I feel like your argument for removing punishments altogether is fixed, first because it's compared to the other extreme ("My house my rules"). And second because the example is throwing a toy, which honestly isn't a great example of an action that tests the boundaries of discipline scenarios. There's a middle ground where you respect your child and build structure that can include techniques of discipline appropriate for your child, without having to control them.
So how about an example that really pushes the boundaries – like kicking another child in the groin (anger) or mishandling a pet by dropping, squeezing or closing it in a box (lack of understanding or knowledge of consequences)?
"Is raising children so contrary to nature that you need to follow set rules and guidelines?" I don't understand your meaning. Growing food is not contrary to nature, but you need to follow a set of rules and guidelines to make sure you get a high enough yield to not starve. Right?
Alright, you address a lot of issues here, so let me try and break this down a little.
Let me start with the examples you gave, and see if I can give you a better idea of my perspective. First you mentioned kicking another child out of anger. I actually dealt with something sort of similar tonight! Connor was up late last night, and then up WAY too early this morning, and he's been in a pretty foul mood all day. He and Autumn (who is two) were playing in the playroom tonight, and he got mad at her about something, and pinched her cheek. His immediate response after she came and told me what he had done was, "Sorry! I'm sorry!" Sense this was the second time it had happened today, we had a discussion about how, while it is nice to SAY that you're sorry, it's important to SHOW the other person you're sorry by not pinching them in the face again, and by making an effort to play more gently. He said he understood, told Autumn that he was having a bad night, but he would work hard not to pinch her again, hugged her, and they went off and played fine. So, that's how I would handle aggressive boundary crossing. No spanking, no timeout, no sent to his room, etc. NOW….let's not overlook the fact that there is a difference between PUNISHMENTS and CONSEQUENCES. If Autumn had decided not to play with Connor anymore because he was aggressive with her….well, that's the consequence for being mean to his friend…now, his friend doesn’t want to play with him. Life imposes enough natural consequences for our actions; I don’t see how a parental-imposed punishment would have been needed.
As far as your example about the pet…I’m a firm believer that it’s important not to bring a pet into the house until the children are mature enough to deal with the pet in a gentle, humane way. Two year olds and puppies don’t seem to be a good mix! I also think the children need MAJOR supervision when interacting with the pet. If my child doesn’t have enough impulse control to avoid dropping, kicking, etc. the dog, then I consider that MY fault for bringing a dog into the family before the child was prepared to deal with it. I think it’s largely dependant on how old the child in question is. Two? Then separating them from the pet, supervising more closely, and reminders to be gentle with the puppy are about as much as one can expect. If the child is six? Again, more supervision, and lots of discussions about how to gently handle the puppy, what could happen if the dog was mishandled (biting, injury, etc.), we’d have a discussion about why it’s important that the dog be able to trust us as his owners, and maybe see about enrolling them into a “puppy obedience” type of class so they could get a better idea of how to deal with the puppy in an effective way. Again…no punishments.
I think it’s important to remember that not punishing the child doesn’t mean that the child lives in an environment where they’re allowed to do as they please to whomever they please, whenever they please. I just view it as my job to help the child learn how to appropriately respond to situations, rather than punishing them for not.
I also wanted to address what you said about your parents having an environment that balanced consequence with reward. I have to say, we try to avoid rewards as much as we try to avoid punishments. I see both as being a way to manipulate or coerce a child into behaving the way I want them to, rather than helping them learn how to appropriately behave. For example, in our family, everyone pitches in to help clean up. Not because they fear punishment for not helping, or expect the allure of a reward, but because we’ve tried to stress that in a family, we all participate in the things it takes to keep a family running. If I want the house cleaned, and my six year old doesn’t want to help, I certainly wouldn’t punish him for not helping. But I also wouldn’t try to bribe him with a reward to get him to help either. And for the most part, he’s generally willing to help out, or at least let me know that when he’s done with whatever he’s doing instead, he’d be willing to help. He loves to vacuum; my two year old loves to put her toys in their containers, etc. And I think that most of that comes from the fact that cleaning is something that we have modeled as being something that makes our house more enjoyable to live in, and easier to function in. They don’t dread cleaning because they don’t view it as something that they will be punished for not doing, and they also don’t expect a reward for helping out.
Alfie Kohn has a great book, "Punished by Rewards" if you want more info. He's also got some great essays on his website http://www.alfiekohn.org
Thanks! I think it's important to take things a day at a time! (Or sometimes an hour at a time!) This is the environment we STRIVE for. Which doesn't mean it's always what we get! There are certainly occasions where my head nearly explodes from the fighting and conflict! Or that I don't sometimes turn into a yelling, crazy-mommy who just wants everyone to go to bed RIGHT NOW!! But, we take it day-by-day, and the longer we do this, and the more practice we have, the more it becomes "instinctual."