Along with topics like breast vs. bottle, circumcised vs. intact, vaccinate vs. non-vaccinate; I’ve found that tv-free vs. t.v.-viewing is one of those “hot parenting topics” that ignites a lot of emotion and debate on both sides of the issue. It’s not an issue I feel incredibly impassioned about, but in light of the television discussions going on here on the blog recently, I thought I’d share our perspective.
In our house, we allow television. My husband and I made this decision much the same way we decided on every other parenting decision we have made: Through lots of research, discussion, and most importantly, by evaluating our own personal experiences. And we came to the conclusion that we would be a t.v.-watching family.
Why? Well, here are a few of our reasons:
* We strive to live in a “consensual” environment with our children. Each member of our familys’ wants and needs are equally considered and addressed, regardless of age. So, even if I felt that t.v. was “poison,” (which I do not) Connor may not feel the same way. As an independent being, he needs to come to his own conclusions about t.v.
* My kids are home-schooled, so we have the opportunity to approach television in a different way than parents of schooled children are able to. My kids don’t spend 8-10 hours of their day in school. Their television watching doesn’t impact our time together as a family, the time they should be spending doing homework, etc. They can watch a half-an-hour show and still have more than enough time for all of the other activities they love.
* Homeschooling alone sets my child apart from many of his peers. He can’t have a conversation with his friends about what he did in gym class or which teacher he’ll have next year. It was important to me not to further that stigma of homeschoolers being “isolated” by having a six year old who doesn’t know what Star Wars is all about.
* My kids enjoy reading books, comics, magazines, listening to books on c.d., watching youtube videos, and pretty much any form of media which tells a story. Television is just another mode of story-telling for them. They don’t turn into passive television zombies while watching Word World. They dance and sing and practice spelling words, all while enjoying the story they’re being told.
* Contrary to what a lot of “child-raising experts” will say, I don’t believe that everything on t.v. is complete crap. Connor, my oldest, loves the educational shows on the Discovery Channel, Animal Planet, National Geographic, and PBS. We have a great time every year watching Shark Week on Discovery as a family. And his favorite show, Cesar Milan the Dog Whisperer, helped him decide that he would like to be a veterinarian when he grows up.
* I suppose, most importantly, we watch television, because it works for our family. Lots of our friends don’t have the same outlook on media that we have, and it doesn’t really matter. Their kids aren’t social outcasts because they don’t watch television, and my kids aren’t socially and creatively stunted because they do.
And whether it’s breast-feeding or vaccines or t.v. watching, I think we’re trying to do the same thing that every parent is trying to: Simply raise our kids the best way we can.
Jen, this is a great post! I love that between you and Missy it's what I'd actually call fair and balanced reporting on this issue! You each shared your experiences and what and why it works for each of you and I can see both points of view and why each is valid and works on a family by family basis. Right on.
You make a lot of good points and I am impressed with how clear you are on the issue (most people/families aren't). However we do disagree on two points:
1) I admit I am not familiar with the concept of "consensual" parenting, so I may be ignorant to some of the theory in this area. But as a parent I feel it is my responsibility to use my 30+ years of experience to make most of the decisions (along with my wife) so that my child doesn't have to. I think where we disagree is I don't perceive my child as capable of making an informed decision on whether to watch TV. Just as I would not let my child decide what nutrition is required at each meal – other wise she'd be eating ice cream and chips every meal.
And I say that and assume that's not what you do at your home . . . so I must misunderstand the concept of consensual environments with children. Our daughter's teacher has taught us NOT to ask out child questions (and overwhelm them with decisions), and simply provide and structure. I'm curious to understand more about how the consensual process works for your family.
2) I do see TV as a poison. I say that and cring a bit at how "extreme" that may sound. But look, TV is not an entertainment platform. TV is a marketing platform – it exists to sell you, and specifically your children, products. TV advertising, both the obvious advertisements and the product placement inside programming, intend to make you think you lack "things" and that you will be happier when you acquire them. It tells your children, specifically, that their toys aren't good enough, their mom's food isn't yummy enough and their fun isn't fun enough. While one may disagree whether these messages are a "poison" or not, the messages do exist and have an agenda that is well documented and understood.
It's a science – selling on TV. And children are the primary targets. And never-mind what impact this may have on an individual level, I also find this agenda t(o make all of us into programmed consumers) offensive on a global level. It's part of what's wrong with us as a society, right?
The Story of Stuff explains it far better than I can: http://www.storyofstuff.com/
Note: whenever I talk about TV as a poison, I fear that I come of as a snob. Like the guy who reads "literature" and rolls his eyes at someone reading Danielle Steel. That is not my intent. I grew up with LOTS of television and I turned out all right. I'm interested to hear counter points to my comments – I think this is a great topic to discuss openly.
Alright, so let me start with your question about consensual living. Yes, it does in fact mean that we do not dictate what he eats at any given time. We don't restrict his food, we don't use food as a punishment or as a reward, and he has access to any and all food that is in the house at any time that he chooses. As a result, Connor doesn't view food as being a source of comfort, or as a reward to be earned….he views it simply as fuel for his body.
As a result, he never overeats, and he doesn't feel the need to binge on "restricted food." He knows that ice cream is available whenever he wants it, so when he decides to have some, he has a small amount because there's no reason to over eat it, because it's not something that is withheld from him.
This doesn't mean that he won't ocassionally make a choice that I may view as less than ideal. (He does LOVE a bottle of Kool-Aide Jammers once in awhile!) But it's rare. He's much more likely to grab an apple or some grapes than he is ice cream or cookies.
Anyway….I suppose the same principle applies to television. Television is not a restricted thing, so he's just as likely to build with blocks as he is to turn on iCarly.
Also, like with food, I think it's important not to undermine what our children are capable of understanding. We've had lots of discussions about advertisements/product placements on television. He has observed how the amount of commercials steadily increases towards the holidays. He understands that commercials are designed to sell him things and make it seem like he always needs a bigger/better version of whatever toy/game/etc. He finds commercials to be an annoying interruption to his show, and for now, his solution is to mute them when they come on. He'll even walk over and mute them in the middle of a show his dad and I are watching!
So while yes, I do feel it's my job as a parent to use my life experiences to help my child…I also see my job as a parent as being one in which I help my child understand why I believe the way I do about a certain topic, explain how others may view the same topic, and then give him the trust and the freedom to make up his own mind.
Hmm. It must be either because I am an admin, or because I am logged into IntenseDebate (I have a profile there – it's free).
I'll investigate. I'd rather there not be a word limit. Doesn't make it fair if I can blab more than others!
I feel that, with everything in life, there needs to be a moderate approach to television watching. We also watch "television" in our house, to some degree; however, whatever we watch is via websites such as Hulu, or Netflix, as well as child-related sites like Nick Jr. Sites like these have very limited advertising, and in the case of Netflix, no ads whatsoever. It seems like public television has seen an increase in the amount of advertising precisely because there is so much content online.
I agree with specific points made by you, Jen, as well as others here. Not all TV content is bad – shows from Discovery and the History channel are prime examples of that. But the associated advertising on network TV remains!
Regarding product placement, that is something that parents need to be aware of when choosing which shows are acceptable for your child to watch. A reality-based show is obviously not the thing for kids to watch, given the amount of product placement in them; as well as the typical subject matter in those shows.
By the very nature of online tv watching, our child watches one show (or every once in a while, a movie), then we turn the computer off.
Wow…you guys write pretty quickly! I feel like I missed half the conversation while writing my comment.
… and I use IE 6 for my trading; it works fine.
I think that just as most people are able to go out and have glass of wine with dinner, or even party pretty heavily on the weekends ocassionally, without being addicted to alcohol, I think that most people are able to watch television with the same approach. It can be a way to relax or have fun, without being addicting.
And for our family, t.v. watching is not passive. It is sometimes our chosen method of relaxation, but especially for the children, it couldn't be less passive. They run around and dance to the music, they sing, they participate in interactive shows, and there are dozens of discussions sparked from the content they are watching.
I came on this late — but please inform yourself one the pysiological effects of television on the brain and chlld develpment REGARDLESS of the content. The strong stimulation that television has on the brain is not positive — and likely overbalances any positives that are received.
Jen, I have not heard of this concept labeled as "consensual living", but I like the idea very much and thank you for sharing. The more we are able to embrace moderation in our life, the more balanced we are as human beings. Reinforcing the skill of understanding how one seeks moderation through their choices and reactions, is a fabulous skill to foster in a child. As with any skill, it must be practiced to be fostered.
Michael Pollen spoke the other day on Minnesota Public Radio and talked about how the Japanese have a term in their language for eating until you are 80 percent full. So, they are more aware of what it means to not overeat and they practice this.
To me, it sounds like you reinforce these habits and skills by allowing you child to ability to learn how to make good decisions.
I have to admit that while I believe you, it sounds so Utopian that . . . well I find it HARD to believe. Either Connor is an amazing kid – aren't they all
– or you're amazing parents. I mean it reminds me of the anarchists and libertarians I used to know and read about. Less "governing".
The one thing I've learned is how easy it is to underestimate children, but letting them just eat whatever they want whenever they want? Maybe again I am underestimating my child, but my sense is that if I offered her that "power" she'd eat a box of crackers at 430, and then not participate in the family meal at 530. Not until this discussion have I ever thought about the similarities in anarchy vs. federalism as applied to the family unit
Which is kinda interesting.
Will, how can you post responses of this length? I find my word count (probably for the better) limited to some count around 200.
Ok, back from my research. Apparently it has to do with your web browser. Your comments are submitted using url containing query strings, so some browsers give you more room (up to several thousand characters) others limit you.
I'm using the latest version of FireFox on a Mac.
Bravo! I really enjoyed reading this. Parenting comes in many flavors and you must select what is right for you. I appreciate what you have written.
I thought the same thing when I saw your comment . . . also, if you "reply" to a particular comment I don't think you will get a warning that another comment is active there.
I think you're right. I think if you decided to back off and allow her to eat whatever she wanted, TO BEGIN WITH she would eat crackers and chips and ice cream to excess. Imagine suddenly having access to so much money that a monthly budget was no longer necesary. In those first few moments, wouldn't you make a few irresponsible choices to begin with?
So I'm sure she would as well. But it would probably only take a belly ache or two, and a few discussions with you and her mom about using food to fuel your body, foods that DON'T cause belly aches, etc. before she'd be back to eating the healthy foods you have available.
Thank you! It's rare that people understand what it is we're trying to achieve!
I agree with completely, but I say, select the parenting method that is right for your CHILD. I had preconceptions of how *I* wanted to parent (for instance the family bed – which was a disaster with our child's sleep habits), and those weren't working because my child didn't fit into that style. So I had to adopt to the child.
But what's probably most correct, is choosing a parenting method that works for your FAMILY.
So Michael, I feel like it's necesary to ask…How'd you hear about ad-free Netflix? We heard about it from an advertisment on t.v.
I'm only teasing, of course, but I do think it's important to point out that not ALL advertising is "poison." We see a lot of commercials on t.v. for Everybody's. And if those commercials lead to someone checking out Everybody's and discovering Radiance Dairy's Organic Milk, which in turn helps to stimulate the local Fairfield economy, then I would call that GOOD advertising.
Clearly, some advertising is complete crap. But some of it is informative, and may lead to people making better decisions. Which is why I think it's important not to lump it all together under the umbrella of "poison."
Thanks for checking. I'm sure you'll hate this, but I just upgraded to IE8.
Who said all advertising was poison? Are you quoting your original use of the term "poison"?
Please go watch the Story of Stuff to get some context on what I meant in my by the pressure of consumerism and the impact globally. I am certain we will find some common ground there!
I was quoting myself from the original post. In this discussion t.v. and commercials/advertising were seemingly being lumped together.
I understand your point about commercialism on t.v. We did do a lot of research before we decided to say yes to t.v. I'm not familiar with the Story of Stuff though, but I'll check it out after the babies go to bed.
Ugggh…Me too, and it's IE8 is so frustrating! I'm so tired of having to hit the "compatibility button" to get things to show up on my screen!
The IT administrator for our parent corporation advised us not to download IE 8. I use Firefox for everything except my stock trading on Fidelity's platform, which is not up to web standards and only works on IE.
I didn't activate most of the "features" it came with, which I am sure I will hate. Since I downloaded it, my connectivity has been degraded.
I think the debate about CONTENT on TV (for example "good" content on PBS or Discovery vs "bad" content on commercial channels) misses an important point: the PROCESS of television watching itself is passive and has an addictive effect on the brain, especially if overdone (see my earlier comments on the book "The Plug-In Drug" and a proverb that's stood a multi-millennium test of time: "Dosis facit venemon" or, It's the Dose That Makes the Poison.
I'm sorry if this shows up twice…my internet keeps timing out just as I go to post!
While I understand what you're saying, I think there needs to be a distinction made between being ADDICTED to television, and CHOOSING NOT TO STOP watching television. My children don't have restrictions put on the amount of television the watch, but they show no symptoms of being addicted. For a slightly dramatic analogy….If an alcoholic needs alcohol, they won't care if it's wine or beer or tequila. So, if a person was addicted to television, wouldn't the content they choose to watch be irrelevant?
Like I mentioned in my original article, my children see t.v. shows as being just another mode of story telling. They're watching the shows they watch because they enjoy the story that's being told to them. The same as a book, or a play, or a magazine, none of which we would ever refer to as being addictive. They're not watching t.v. just for the sake of watching t.v.
Jen, consensual living sounds very interesting. Do you have resources to recommend?